Razing and Rulings
From out of bounds, a tale from the Whomper
Golfers like to trash talk or just
plane raze their fellow whomping buddies. Rules are only good when the rule
helps your score, not your opponents.
The score doesn’t
really matter, especially if you’re playing badly.
When
the game turns really ugly, find a happy place and quit keeping score. Declare
a practice round and hope you don’t birdie or hole one. If you do, begin
rescoring once you make that first acceptable score.
The
all inclusive excuse for the bad shot, I’m
looking up. A cruise ship golf pro explained that it is physically
impossible to look-up in the middle of a shot and demonstrated why this was
mere myth. I still think you can look up.
“You’re
going to like it,” he shouts as my ball then rolls into the water or sand
hazard or worse. Please refrain from calling my shots good until the ball
actually stops rolling!
“I’ve
lost my wedge head cover.” After a quick search with no cover to be found, “Oh
well, I have others at home.” Seems that Mr. Obsessive Compulsive keeps an
extra set of head covers stashed away. Imagine that!
The
“you were talking while I hit” do-over. This one has been way too prevalent in
our group. We all tend to imagine we hear those little voices somewhere that
distracted us, prompting another free shot. “You were talking, do-over! I think
you moved, do-over. You opened that beer, do-over!” Funny, no one ever calls a
do-over when good shots are made, regardless to how much whooping and hollering
is going on behind us.
There
is no such thing as a dishonest or unfair foot wedge if you maintain eye
contact with your partner while in progress of adjusting the ball’s position.
They didn’t see it, it’s fair. Root rules always apply. Trust me, even grass
has roots which can justify repositioning your ball.
Use
of chain saws are not permitted, however, you may twist or break that tree
branch, or pen it firmly behind another before attempting your shot. Better
still; ask one of your cart buddies to hold the tree limb out of your back
swing. Remember to ask them not to release it until you have completed the shot
and cleared the area.
Rock
hard sand in the hazard: “I can’t hit out of this crap!” he yells. “Crap must
be every where” is the proper response. OK so rake the sand thoroughly to fluff
it up then replace your ball strategically on an elevated sandy tee. Complain
about the wet sand if you still don’t make it out on your first attempt.
Three
attempts and ball is still in trap, however, most of the sand has now been
deposited on the green. The proper call, “Are you finished sandblasting with
that wedge, now? If so, either pick-up or just place it on the grass.” Counter
that sarcastic remark by only counting one bad shot.
Hit
the ball in the water and there’s no drop area on the other side, declare one.
Pick your own spot that improves your chances of greening the next shot.
While
removing all pine nettles, pine cones, sticks, pebbles and other debris from
around your ball, often requiring that you strategically reposition your ball
in the rough afterwards, your playing partner remarks “Do you need a blower or
will a rake suffice?”
“Let’s
plan to go fishing after the round. You’ve certainly dug up enough bait!”
“Were
all those turtles on shore before you hit your three balls in the water?”
If
your ball skips ten or more times across the water, you receive a free drop on
the other side even if your ball doesn’t make it to dry land. Seems fare!
If
one whiffs at the ball or digs a trench behind it without making ball contact
then a stroke can’t possibly apply. Just declare, “I didn’t hit it then try
again!”
It’s
proper to declare a double boggy for that double par if money is not riding on
the outcome, however, you will be provided assistance in tallying those strokes
when wagers have been made.
Funny,
your partners will tell you to pick up a five foot down hill putt, but you’ll
have to hole that one footer if a buck is on the line.
One
never requests assistance to find your ball when you know it is hopelessly
lost. Bend down; declare you found it as you strategically replace it with a
new ball. Try to at least use the same name brand. Caution, if you find the
first ball, even if shot is better, you must declare you just found an extra
ball, not yours.
It’s
OK to hit a fellow partners ball (1) if neither of you have the ball initialed
and his is the better of the two (2) he doesn’t know what brand you’re hitting
(3) you’re in the trap and he’s not, and you arrive there first, make the
switch quickly (4) You put his in your pocket and replace it with yours before
partner arrives (5) he’s beating you shamelessly (6) you don’t like him or he’s
pissed you off (7) if caught, you’re able to declare you’re intoxicated and
thought you hit your own ball (8) he’s
intoxicated and will not know the difference (9) you’re both intoxicated (10)
if it helps you brake a 100.
Remember,
it’s ok to trash talk and bend the rules among friends providing the friends
can take the razing and dish it back at you and you can take it. If you’re
playing with serious golfers, you’re on your own. If you’re bad as me, you have
no business playing with real golfers. They really don’t appreciate our natural
ability. It is so sad to be so misunderstood. See you in the rough! Bring your
foot wedge!
