Can you Say Monty Hall

 

Innovators, always and back in the sixties we didn’t have the zillion television stations or video games to occupy our bored little pre-teenager minds. We had to devise our own little distractions to break up our otherwise mundane existence. We seldom fell short on creativity and most of these distractions from the ordinary wouldn’t necessarily kill us.

            Game shows were the mainstay for daytime television. They rivaled only the numerous soap operas clogging the three stations. I saw very little of either except during the summer months when school gave me the time off and away from the world of education. Shows like To Tell the Truth or Kids Say the Darndest Things and Truth or Consequences were innovation at their broadcasting best. Each of these could have represented chapters from my life.  

Game shows certainly ruled in my day. Now they have a cable network specifically devoted to new game shows as well as replays of the ancient ones. My mama, rest her soul, kept her TV dialed into The Game Show Network. She loved reruns of the Match Game and Newly Wed Game. In real life I flunked both until I found my true love of the past fifteen years.

Can you say WHEEL…OF…FORTUNE; undoubtedly mama’s all time favorite.  She watched it in primetime and savored all the reruns as if seeing them for very first time. I hated that game show. Just the sound of WHEEL…OF…FORTUNE made my skin crawl. I was so over Vanna White and she was an original South Carolinian; go figure.

Who wants to be a Millionaire? Bless her heart; Regis snookered her in too. I guess the fortune thing and having millions coincided. The Game Show Network always playing at mama’s house turned me against game shows in general. In my adolescent days they just seemed to be entertaining; the stars seemed so much larger than life. I guess that was before tabloid television and before we knew everything about every famous celebrity.

I suppose I may as well confess. As I kid I was quite fanatical about many of the game shows of my time. Marketing not to be outdone transformed the more popular ones into play at home game versions. I still have my original Pass Word game; have had it now for probably fifty years. I also have my original Snap Judgment game. I had the Concentration Game, Match Game, Family Feud and the Newly Wed Games for a while but I think they’ve all been trashed. One can only be so much of a packrat. You must remember these were not video games but instead a combination of card and board type versions. I do still possess the home version of Win, Lose or Draw. I loved Bert Convey as host of that games how and it actually aired after I got home from school or was that work; same difference?  

Everyone remembers Bob Barker as the emcee for The Price is Right but do you remember him as the host of Truth or Consequences? I suppose the Bachelor and Bachelorette reality TV series replaced The Dating Game. After the Newly Wed Game and an unsuccessful marriage there was always Divorce Court. Yep, game shows have certainly evolved.

Who could ever forget Monty Hall and Let’s Make a Deal? Halloween attire and gimmicks equate to let’s make a fool out of ourselves. Do you want the two hundred and fifty dollars or what’s behind door number three?  Take the door; no take the money!  I’ll take door number three. What if I give you another twenty instead? How about another fifty; another one hundred? No, I’ll take door number three. Show me what’s behind door number three. There stands a dusty old miner with a jackass and cart full of rocks. You should have taken the money!

Like I proclaimed, innovators we were, so how could we improve the gaming? How could we possibly embellish on a game show already highly acclaimed as a winner? From the minds of babes anything is possible. Cousins Billy and Stevie, come on down. With my kitchen as our backdrop we were about to give it a spin; Truth or Consequences meets Let’s Make a Deal!

Allow me to set the stage. We have two contestants, same age, ten years old; supposedly one just as smart as the other. Having no audience present such as parents improved the games integrity. I am the diabolical host and believe me, host is the best position for our little game. That being said, I had to take my rotation as a contestant too; my turn in the barrel so to speak but for now the host I am.

To play the game we only required a strategically located pantry. Our two contestants were seated so that they could not see the contents of the deadly little vault; a treasure strove of hidden ingredients; the nightmare of Pandora’s Box. Premise of the game, very simple; each contestant would take their turn. The host would place his hand inside the pantry on an item of his selection and would ask the contestant “do you want this or not?” Two choices, answer yes or no. No meant you passed on the item and yes meant you had to taste the item.

We typically played this in the afternoons after school and after we had built up an appetite. Each contestant had been allowed one quick look inside the pantry so they would be assured various candies and cookies and other yummy snacks did indeed reside on the shelves. They also had the opportunity to assess the evil nasty things that lurked there. One rule, the host could not place his hand on potentially deadly items. Of course a ten year old’s perception of deadly is somewhat skewed.

Second rule, the honor system was in place which meant you could not switch items after the item had been selected and either chosen or passed over. Is there really true honor among ten year olds? I suppose that depends if your peers have ticked you off or not, or you have a favorite cousin or are just feeling devious. Remember, I am the devious one so I’ll just leave it at that. I hoped the other hosts were honorable when I sat on the hot seat. Who could really ever know the answer that one unless you were the one always ending up with the nasty selections?

“Stevie, do you want this item or not?” I asked

Taking a deep breath he finally said, “Okay, I’ll take it.”

I extracted a sleeve of saltine crackers. Stevie sighed relief and ate one saltine. Now it was Billy’s turn; truth or dare time. Billy, although the same age and Stevie and me was like that carton duck character, Baby Huey, twice as big as us so one had to handle him with kid gloves. Making someone too angry could be kid suicide and remember we had no adult supervision and intervention from an old fashion butt whipping. 

“Do you want this one or not Billy?” I asked

“Okay,” he answered.

To build up the anticipation and climax to the perfect show stopper I slowly removed my hand to reveal a bag of ruffled Lays potato chips. Billy smiled and elbowed Stevie as he plucked a handful from the open bag. Both contestants were happy so far and I remained alive and kicking; both good signs but how long could this theme last?  All was not tasty inside that pantry. Your gut should tell you that the wise thing to do is always say no, however, what’s the fun in that?

This was about gamesmanship, taking the dare and trying to outdo your opponent and outsmart the pantry host. None of us knew how to spell strategy then much less embrace the concept. We did know that there were cookies, candy bars, chips and other good stuff in that pantry and the other crap wasn’t supposed to kill us. We didn’t fathom getting sick. Besides, this was supposed to be fun; at least to a point. The thrill was agreeing to risk it all and taste what lurked at the end of the host’s extended arm.  The chances of getting something good grew slimmer as the game progressed.

“Stevie, do you want what I have in my hand?” I asked.

Another deep breath as Stevie attempts to read my poker face. They didn’t call me stone face for nothing. Stevie rationalizes that both he and Billy have successfully survived round one but what is in my hand now? Another rule, you pass and your opponent has to taste what you forfeited. Stevie decides to pass. Billy gives him the look then watches as I reveal his fate; marshmallows. Steve exclaims “darn it!”

Billy receives the goody and now has his opportunity to accept my choice or pass it to Stevie. He smiles and passes. I produce a bottle of vanilla extract. It could have been much worse. A teaspoon full and it’s over; Stevie’s turn again.

I now mess with them. “Are you sure you want his one?” I stick my second hand inside. “Or would you rather have what I’m touching with my left hand? Right or left or pass?”

“I pass,” says Stevie.

“Right or left hand,” I question Billy as he playfully punches Stevie in the shoulder.

“Left,” he boasts and I produce a can of shortening.

Billy exclaims “I’m not eating that!”

I remind him. “You know the rules. I had raisins in my right hand but you picked my left.”

“You can’t make me eat that junk.”

“Come on Billy,” says Stevie “Are you just a chicken?”

Now those were verging on fighting words where I came from but Billy cursed under his breath and dug the spoon inside the lard can as we sometimes called it. He took his medicine but not without a hitch. “Now, it’s my turn to man the pantry. It’s you against Stevie.”

I hate this game. This is where that revenge thing comes into play and if I really trust where Billy is placing his hand. I passed this first three times and Stevie received treats every time. Billy just smirked at me daring me. No one dares me and gets away with it so I nodded I would take what he had. He withdrew his hand exposing my fate and I said I quit but a man has to do what a man has to do and I reluctantly took my medicine. Puking is allowed but you don’t receive bonus points. The pantry game, it never killed us but don’t try this at home; the family pantry is not what it used to be.

Next time I think we’ll just play the phone game. Randomly dial a number and say something stupid to the person on the other end and hope you didn’t call someone who recognized you and snitches to your parents. Innovators, yes we were. We had to be, had nothing better to do.