Life of a Pirate

Okay, I get it. Wearing a black patch over my left eye does make me look pirate like. The grey beard doesn’t help dispel the myth. Recently I had my forth vitreous hemorrhage, 2^nd in my left eye, last time 3 ½ years ago. Don’t worry, no pain is involved. It occurs when blood vessels leak into the vitreous 'gel' inside the eye.  Here’s the medical explanation: The eye is filled with a clear vitreous ‘gel’. When blood leaks into this gel, usually from blockage or damage to the blood vessels of the retina, is known as a vitreous hemorrhage. This usually results in blurred vision, as the leaked fluids block the light that passes into the eye. Luckily I’m not blind in one eye and unable to see out of the other as the old saying goes.

My right eye experienced this phenomenon for the first time back in 2004 while on the second day of seven day Caribbean cruise.  I woke up to my right eye traveling warp speed just like on Star Trek. Well, that’s the best way to describe the zillions of tiny floaters impairing my vision. My eye doctor upon return identified the situation and sent me to a retina specialist. There is always a concern of retinal detachment. Mine was routine, apparently everyone undergoes this evolutional process as they mature, some sort of separation of the fluid from the retina. Most go undetected. Lucky me, mine snagged and broke a blood vessel. Totally blind in one eye and having a new appreciation for the gift of eyesight, you just wait until the blood dissipates; experience putting this to a month or longer. My right eye did this one more time about a year after it cleared and surgery corrected it. I’m on the second tour with left eye and if it persists after clearing this time, I’ll have the corrective surgery for it. Again, there’s no pain involved, if you exclude the fact that I have no peripheral vision on my left side and disrupted depth perception.

Enough of the gloom and doom; it’s more an inconvenience than anything, once the doctor has confirmed you’re in no danger of retinal detachment. I’m 0 for 4 in that category.  I wear the eye patch to ward off insanity.  One eye not working badly interferes with the one that is. I spend much of my work day on a computer, as well as doing my writing at night. That white screen wrecks havoc on a sightless eye. The patch helps. Quick side story: back in 2010 I had my first incident in this left eye about the same time my wife had cataract surgery in hers.  Complications temporarily left her blind in her eye until surgery corrected it. Imagine the two of us, often in the same room, unable to find one another. We literally walked in circles and into one another. We were one stooge short of three.

The patch is a sarcasm magnet. I’m the king of sarcasm so I appreciate this fact and feeding frenzy. I’ve heard every pirate and blind joke. I’m quick on the trigger and usually have excellent comebacks. I’ve been asked if I was trying out for a roll in Pirates of the Caribbean.  No, but I’m stunt double for Captain Jack Sparrow.  Sometimes I just nip it before giving them a chance. I tell them I’m in role play for a character in my next novel, Grey Beard. Other times I will strike my Captain Morgan pose, ‘Fifteen men on the dead man's chest--...Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest--...Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!’ How’d you like that, landlubber? I’ll pass a coworker in the hallway and announce, ‘I’m off to rape and pillage, care to join me?’

Sometimes I just stare them down and say, ‘I know, you thought Snake Plissken was dead.’ More times than not I get the deer in the headlights look, most apparently not familiar with Kurt Russell’s role as the one-eyed, patch wearing, mercenary in the classic, Escape From New York. I haven’t gone Rooster Cogburn on anyone yet. John Wayne did have a few classic quotes in True Grit. ‘Baby sister, I was born game, and I mean to go out that way.’ I’m sure I’d just waste them, just like my Snake comment but you have to love a line like this, ‘A fella that carries a big-bore Sharps carbine might come in handy… if we get jumped by elephants, or buffalo, or something.’ Or, I mean to kill you in one minute, Ned. Or see you hanged in Fort Smith at Judge Parker's convenience. Which'll it be?’

As mentioned, sometimes the quips come from those beating me to the punch. “Why are you wearing that patch between your bucking-ears?’ To that I just let out a deep throated arrrrrrrrrrrr. ‘Where’s your hook?’ And to that I just say, ‘Don’t make me go Peter Pan on you, Tinker Bell!’ All is in good fun. I can dish it out just as well as I can take it. I told some of my friends at church that it should be a law against the ushers confiscating a man’s sword, gun and parrot at the door. At a meeting at work, I looked around the room and asked was I the only one that that knew this was take a pirate to lunch day. In another meeting I tried to rally my coworkers, calling for a mutiny. Hey, if I locate the patch over my right I’ve got first dibs on Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m quite good at Piñata. By the way, I have my eye on you. I work in quality assurance so this doesn’t exactly instill warm and fuzzy feelings. I could be the Mayor on the Walking Dead or Patch of Days of Our Lives. I’ve been called Cyclops and Cyborg and resemble those remarks.

In all seriousness, having this handicap is an eye opener. Blindness is nothing to kid about, right? Driving an automobile can bring about road rage to those not wanting to share both lanes with me. A good drive to work is if I don’t cause an accident. And if I did, I must have not seen it. The first morning the eye blinked out on me I was driving my thirteen mile workday morning commute on frozen tundra.  The highways were frozen due to sleet and freezing rain, a rare occurrence for Myrtle Beach. Talk about the perfect storm. Luckily few drivers were on the roadways.  Only a blind man wouldn’t heed the highway patrol’s warnings to not drive in these conditions if you didn’t have to. What you can’t see can’t hurt you. Maybe not, my left shoulder is sore from running into door jams and people not yielding the right-of-way.

With no restrictions from the doctor, I attempted a round of golf, having the perfect handicap. It put a new spin on keeping my eye on the ball. Can you say depth perception impaired? First tee shot went much better than expected, long and in the fairway. I even managed a double bogey on the hole, three putting because I couldn’t make out the green contour. At least that’s the story I’m sticking to. The next three holes were a series of thirty yard strikes, double paring all of them. Thinking, what had I been thinking; I made a slight adjustment, moving the ball back in my stance to hopefully correct topping the ball. It worked. I actually had two pars during the round and shot a lower score than I had been shooting. My golf buddies told me to remember that adjustment when my vision returned. Heck, I’ll just close one eye from here on out.

It’s been two weeks now and I’m noticing a slight improvement. I can identify some objects and can even tell if I’m alone in a room or jot. Picking my nose or scratching private parts is not recommended. Utilizing the sympathy card has not come into play. Because I’m in no pain or on any sort of medication, people don’t seem to think I need any help or the occasional pass. Who knows what sort of monkey motions they are performing from my not so good peripheral vision. I should spin around quickly and give them the evil eye. Oh well, I still have the eye of the tiger and will survive this Buccaneer experience, shiver me timbers and all that crap. Rum and coke is on me at the 19^th hole.