No Trespassing

Last time I checked, I noticed that I live in a beach community, one that is supposed to cater to tourists. People come here on vacation, right? That explains why we have miles of beaches, tons of hotels and resorts and every kind of eating establishment imagined by man.  The South Carolina Grand Strand is supposed to be a tourist attraction, a vacation of fun in the sun, sightseeing, golf, putt-putt, dining and dancing. That’s why people flock here. Don’t move here if you expect a laid back peaceful utopia, one void of bumper to bumper traffic coming and going. This is a place where highway 501 can become a seasonal parking lot, and a destination where you must be prepared to get in line to do most anything. If you’re thinking otherwise, you obviously did live under that proverbial rock.

I live and work here. I’m not bothered by those who come here. I understand. I used to be one. I moved here knowing my small town lifestyle would be forever changed. Traffic, sure it would be the worst I had every experienced on a daily basis. You learn to plan and pick your battles if you’re a resident, realizing which roadways to seasonally avoid, quickly finding those mom and pop restaurants the tourists haven’t discovered or picking your time wisely to visit those that you fancy, to beat the crowd. I didn’t move here to lead the crusade to implement an extreme makeover. I don’t complaint saying how this or that is much worse from where I once lived. What’s the point?

Let’s recap a bit of history. There are those here who wanted the bikers banished from the land. The couple of weeks they are here each year just simply ruined their lifestyle, too much noise, too much fun, too much scantly clothed females and boisterous leather clad hoodlums. So what did the leaders of the community do? They weaseled in all sorts of laws to control noise, make them where helmets, restrict vendor permits, and all sorts of other nonsense. No, I’m not a biker. The only bike I have is one that is dependent on how hard I peddle it; one speed, whatever I manage.

The premise of the less tolerant, get rid of the Harley Davidson crowd and those Atlantic Beach black bikers. Life would again be perfect for those already living in their very own little perfect existence. It worked. Many bikers bit back, deciding not to spend their hard earned tourist dollars within the city limits of Myrtle Beach. Let’s get this straight, in a state that allows riders the option of wearing helmets, the Gestapo attempted to force feed riders to wear helmets in their slice of heaven. The newly adopted unlawful like law was eventually overruled by the higher courts but the bikers didn’t forgive or forget. They had the last laugh, avoiding Myrtle Beach like the plague, enjoying Surfside, Garden City, and Murrell’s Inlet, all of the others with welcome mats posted. 

Golfers, while not directly targeting them, they have begun another quest to rid the city of the many Gentlemen’s Clubs. Golfers come here to golf and many have package deals. No, the strip joints are not typically part of any package deals but many golfers support them, their night time mulligan so to speak. Ordnances have been written and passed to banish all adult entertainment from the city limits of Myrtle Beach. Most have been here forever, just like the golf courses. Think about the direct link to tourism and these visitors funneling money back into the community. Seriously, think beyond the pole dances for a second. Who else depends on the success of the girlie bars; alcohol distributors, food services, specialty clothing stores, cab companies and just think how many people are employed. Beyond the female entertainers you have bartenders, waitresses, cooks, bouncers, DJ’s, parking attendants, folks in the insurance business, etc. Think about tax revenue. Some golfers will stay screw coming here and will go to other places to play golf and have their nightly fun. Then the course, hotels and restaurants are impacted. No, I’m not carrying the torch for strip joints; I’m getting to my eventual point.

Now the all powerful Oz is proposing an ordinance to band beach tents of all things. Again, before I even get there; for the record, I don’t own or ever have owned a beach tent or beach umbrella. It just seems to me to be just another slam on those who support our area, the tourist. While going to the beach and enjoying the sea and sun is fun, it does come with health issues, being exposed for prolonged times.  The tents bring welcome relief from the heat and burning rays; especially for the tiny tots and elderly or those with the fairest skin in the land. Never bite the hand that feeds you. This seems to be the theme of local city council. They say the tents block the lifeguards. I can see that point but why not restrict where they can be erected, prohibit obstruction, not banishment. Could it be that if all these tents were gone that people would be more apt to rent beach umbrellas? Might we have profiteers among us? Seriously, have you ever tried to fit a family of four or more under an umbrella? Tents, really…

How do I end this sort of rant? Why not let’s just see if we can deter all tourists from coming to the grand strand? Get rid of the bikers, the golfers, those pesky families with the tents, and let’s not leave out the spring breakers, those wild kids just looking for trouble. What about the snowbirds; should we let them cross our northern borders? They must be mentally challenged or deranged, flopping their polar bear butts into the wintry frigid Atlantic. Maybe Myrtle Beach should scrutinize everyone and grant just so many visas per season. Wait, they just haven’t implemented the visa part yet. It’s a tourist town, FOLKS!!! Maybe we should ban those noisy air planes while we’re at it. Why do we really need an airport?

I’m sorry. I just don’t get it. This is a food and hospitality industry here. Folks depend on the tourists to make a living. No, I don’t work in either. Why not just chase them away and see how that works. I’ve lived and worked here for nine years and bikers, golfers, strippers, spring breakers or the zillion beach goers have never negatively impacted my life style. Sure, I pick and choose my times to go here and there but it’s a mere ripple in the ocean of my blessed world. My advice, if having all these people around you really disturbs you and distorts your vision of living at a nationally known beach escape, then perhaps you should move to a world with no ocean, no attractions, hotels or motels or maybe just back underneath that rock. Just possibly we should be contemplating how we can banish the Beach Gestapo before we all become extinct. Most of us are already endangered but in our case, not protected. I’m shocked they haven’t gotten rid of tourism to protect the loggerhead sea turtles. Don’t get your panties in a wad; that was just my twisted sarcasm. I have nothing against sea turtles. Several of my best friends are on the beach turtle patrol. I’ve even written a kid’s book about them, Digging Sea Turtles (not yet published).

Nip it in the bud, quit beating around the bush. Why not just erect signs at all entranceways to Myrtle Beach, Tourist, Keep Out. We Don’t Want Your Kind Here.  Yes, this means you!  

I feel so much better having gotten that off my chest but don’t spread that around. I might be asked to leave for not being pissed off at all these visitors to paradise. Failing to comply is sort of like insubordination isn’t it? Add traitors to the list of those not wanted. Makes me want to go out and buy a Harley, pitch a tent and stuff a few one dollar bills. Care to join me?