Did I already use my mulligan? Oh well, if not sure, call a 'provisional do-over.' Here's a wedge shot from the Whomper files:

The Golfer’s Kitchen Pass

 

 

One can not play a round of golf if one can not make it to the golf course. Oh how often does the avid golfer or striving Whomper attempt to justify to a spouse, a significant other, parents or the boss why they should be allowed to play that beloved round of golf.

You must be creative to ensure success or be prepared to pay the consequences when these explanations don’t hold water. If you’re a golfer; you’ve been there and will most assuredly find yourself there again.

Sometimes your little schemes have worked; other times doomed from the beginning, you stammered and stuttered, failing to execute. The perfect golfing kitchen pass must flow effortlessly from that golden tongue of yours.

You ask why you could possibly need a pass. Why not sneak off secretly to that round with the buds? Guaranteed, you most certainly will shoot that personal best low round, break some type of club record or sink the elusive hole in one. Secure your kitchen pass first then celebrate guilt free and openly.

From the pages of the Golfer’s Kitchen Pass Manuel, here are some of my favorite passes:

1. Invite her family to visit. Making sure there is a golfer among them. Take that in-law for a round allowing her quality time with her non-playing relatives.
2. Invite your family for same reason as above; however, it is important that you ensure she’s compatible with yours before you strand her with them.
3. “It’s a company tournament and it would look bad to my superiors if I didn’t participate. Besides, it’s free golf.”
4. “It’s a Vendor treat; it doesn’t cost me to play today and its part of the job.”
5. “This is my forth round on my local’s pass and I’ll receive a free round next time I play.”
6. “This is my free round on my local’s pass.”
7. “But honey, Angie and Mary Ann are letting John and Carl play this afternoon. Now how would it look if I didn’t join them?”
8. “John’s wife is out of town for the weekend and we’re obliged to keep him occupied because you know how he has that wild streak. We’re playing Saturday and Sunday to keep him out of trouble.”
9. Parlay Mother’s Day into a kitchen pass. “Just for you on your special day, let’s do an early brunch (your choice of restaurants). Afterwards, I’ll take the kids or grandkids, and/or son-in-law golfing. Relax, do what you want to do on me and enjoy some quite time alone or with your daughter.” 
10. Pick a vacation spot with a golf course, all inclusive with the green fees or free rounds of golf included. Guilt free golf guaranteed especially if you treat her to the spa.
11. Pick one of those plus 90 degree days: “Honey, would you go with me to the course today? I know you don’t like to play but it’ll only take four or five hours of your time. Pick a rainy day or day of greater than 50% rain predicted and ask same as above. Pick a cold day and you know the drill. She’ll gladly let you play without her.
12. Have one of your buds call your house to ask if you could join him. Make sure you know when he plans to call and let your significant other answer the phone. Trust me, they will not say no. Typical answer: Doesn’t matter to me or he does what he wants. Grab the clubs and exit the building quickly, Elvis!
13.  “Gerald has a two for one pass so he’s letting me split the cost with him.”
14. Go shopping with her or do something that isn’t your cup of tea. This can be later parlayed into a golf outing.
15. Encourage your wife to go out on an afternoon with the girls. Helps justify that day of golf with the boys. Better still, have the wife invite some of her girl friends over for the weekend; gives you an excuse to get out of their way. Even better, encourage her to go visit the girl friends for the day or weekend. Free golf if you do not give her the opportunity to develop a “honey do list” of projects for you.

                        Kitchen Pass Tip: Remember you may strategically utilize “the sad puppy dog look.” Tilt your head slightly. Squint or partially close your eyes. Have that slight whimper in your voice as if in submission. Lip quivering is not a bad touch. Do not try this unless you have practiced and perfected it. While projecting, ask can you play a round with the boys.

            The “I can’t help you pass” - You’ve been out of town on business for a few days and your flight returns @ 11 AM Sat morning. Your buds are playing at noon. Decision, do you go straight from the airport and join them on the tee box or go home first? You’re on your own on this one. If your marriage or relationship is on the rocks, and you’re looking to put that final nail in the coffin; by all means tee’em up.

            Off Limits: Christmas, Thanksgiving Day, Valentines Day, her birthday, anniversaries, graduations, family funerals,  if she’s sick, if she’s in the hospital, non golfing family or friends visiting.

The Kitchen Pass Creed

I, your name, swear to execute the appropriate golfer’s kitchen pass, delivering an academy award performance, and leading by example for those less fortunate. I shall maintain my integrity as I overcome insurmountable odds ensuring my spot on the round’s final four. I shall encourage my playing partners to support each GKP with the same vigor, conviction and sincerity as I so that they will never be doubted by those expected to grant them. To protect the GKP manual, I must not abuse the passes and will not divulge the manual’s existence to those granters of the pass. I will enjoy the round guilt free and encourage others to do the same.