From the archives of the Whomper Files comes another mulligan...

License to Kill 

Well old 007 does hold these credentials but I have experienced the thrill of the almost kill far too many times. Some of my whomping buddies were just not meant to be behind the wheel of a golf cart, putting in jeopardy those of us that share the cart with them.

Maybe there ought to be a sanctioned drivers test before one may be granted permission to drive a golf cart. As a young man, I walked with a pull cart, tough to wreck one of those. And those tour professionals just don’t know what they’re missing by walking or maybe they do.

            Whether electrical or diesel, the ultimate all terrain vehicle can maneuver the worst contours on the course, and the drivers can overcome any obstacles placed in their path. Carts are made to go where our ball lands. Where do I start?

            Playing Parkland Golf Course, Scottish foursome format with my female whomping buddy driving the cart, we were completing #6, a dog leg to the left. Adult beverages had already come in to play and the noon hour still lurked a couple of hours away. Maria Andretti, at the wheel, decided to make an evasive maneuver, without consulting her co-pilot of course. There I sat, legs extended, propped and crossed, arms folded on my chest, and a twelve pack cooler resting on the floor between us, when the hard left appeared out of no where. Both me and the cooler tumbled from the cart, arms, elbows, ice and beer, poetry in motion. Unharmed, but lesson learned – hold tight and keep the beer away from the driver.

            I witnessed two of our playing partners back a cart down a slope into a creek on #7 at High Meadows Country Club. Big healthy boys, they huffed and puffed, walking the next two and half holes carrying their clubs.

            I’ve almost been raked from the cart by low hanging limbs and then that same left turn maneuver nearly tossed me from the cart; concurrent incidences on the same hole at Quail Creek. Fortunately, I had a hand hold and feet were planted firmly on the floor, lesson learned and remembered.

            Then I recall the Dukes of Hazard General Lee leap, I being the driver this time on #4 at Hickory Knob Resort. Severe down slope, steep hill to be exact, I had a good run going when we hit several deep ruts. The cooler behind the seat launched, offering up ice cubes and beer projectiles, dumping the entire contents on us and almost ejecting my cousin. He did manage to save the beer and most of the ice. It certainly made for interesting pop topping thereafter when his can’s contents spewed like Old Faithful. It had no impact on my water bottle.

            Then there’s bump drafting, with similar NASCAR racing results. The bumper car strategy works like this. The trailing cart bumps the leading cart inflicting whiplash to those in the lead cart; all in good fun of course. I witnessed one driver on the very first tee box, ease up and then bump one of our whomping buds lightly on the back of his legs.  We laughed as he jumped. Old Dale Earnhardt thought he had his cart in reverse and pressed the gas peddle a second time. The cart slammed into buddy number two again, this time wedging him between the carts; not so funny that time. 

            “Rules, we don’t need no stinking rules!” Do they really put those little wooden markers and ropes along edges of the cart paths for a reason, and don’t you receive bonus points for hitting them? I suppose cart path only usually means cart path only. Please keep all limbs inside cart at all times and if you don’t understand this one, drive through a mud puddle while dangling a leg or while hanging your head and arms from your cart.

            Bag drops are not necessarily just located in the parking lots. They can be found on the cart path, in the fairways or in the rough. Why do we tip those cart attendants if they can’t properly secure our clubs on the cart?

            Make a game out of it by trying a few of these ideas:

 Drive off while your partner is either making his club selection or is trying to replace clubs.     

Don’t necessarily wait until your rider has both feet in the cart with butt firmly planted before you press the gas; very effective with anal retentive partners. And never let an Obsessive Compulsive drive because the round is all about them.

 Park strategically close, partner side, to a ten foot gator and sit firmly behind the wheel as if not paying attention.            

Back up with that annoying alarm going off while your buds are striking the ball or making a key putt.

            One last thing, I have this marvelous short cut maneuver I like to pull on first time, unsuspecting cart buddies.  Crossing the street between holes #11 and #12 at Quail Creek, there’s a narrow foot bridge over a ditch before you reach the cart path. Traveling at near full speed I veer at an almost impossible angle and caddy-corner the bridge causing my riding partner’s butt to lift in a prune pucker. I’ve made it so far every time but what might the odds be for next time?  Who’s riding with me?