Razing and Rulings

From out of bounds, a tale from the Whomper

Golfers like to trash talk or just plane raze their fellow whomping buddies. Rules are only good when the rule helps your score, not your opponents.

The score doesn’t really matter, especially if you’re playing badly.

            When the game turns really ugly, find a happy place and quit keeping score. Declare a practice round and hope you don’t birdie or hole one. If you do, begin rescoring once you make that first acceptable score.  

            The all inclusive excuse for the bad shot, I’m looking up. A cruise ship golf pro explained that it is physically impossible to look-up in the middle of a shot and demonstrated why this was mere myth. I still think you can look up.

            “You’re going to like it,” he shouts as my ball then rolls into the water or sand hazard or worse. Please refrain from calling my shots good until the ball actually stops rolling!

            “I’ve lost my wedge head cover.” After a quick search with no cover to be found, “Oh well, I have others at home.” Seems that Mr. Obsessive Compulsive keeps an extra set of head covers stashed away. Imagine that!

            The “you were talking while I hit” do-over. This one has been way too prevalent in our group. We all tend to imagine we hear those little voices somewhere that distracted us, prompting another free shot. “You were talking, do-over! I think you moved, do-over. You opened that beer, do-over!” Funny, no one ever calls a do-over when good shots are made, regardless to how much whooping and hollering is going on behind us.

            There is no such thing as a dishonest or unfair foot wedge if you maintain eye contact with your partner while in progress of adjusting the ball’s position. They didn’t see it, it’s fair. Root rules always apply. Trust me, even grass has roots which can justify repositioning your ball.

            Use of chain saws are not permitted, however, you may twist or break that tree branch, or pen it firmly behind another before attempting your shot. Better still; ask one of your cart buddies to hold the tree limb out of your back swing. Remember to ask them not to release it until you have completed the shot and cleared the area.

            Rock hard sand in the hazard: “I can’t hit out of this crap!” he yells. “Crap must be every where” is the proper response. OK so rake the sand thoroughly to fluff it up then replace your ball strategically on an elevated sandy tee. Complain about the wet sand if you still don’t make it out on your first attempt.

            Three attempts and ball is still in trap, however, most of the sand has now been deposited on the green. The proper call, “Are you finished sandblasting with that wedge, now? If so, either pick-up or just place it on the grass.” Counter that sarcastic remark by only counting one bad shot.

            Hit the ball in the water and there’s no drop area on the other side, declare one. Pick your own spot that improves your chances of greening the next shot.

            While removing all pine nettles, pine cones, sticks, pebbles and other debris from around your ball, often requiring that you strategically reposition your ball in the rough afterwards, your playing partner remarks “Do you need a blower or will a rake suffice?” 

            “Let’s plan to go fishing after the round. You’ve certainly dug up enough bait!”

            “Were all those turtles on shore before you hit your three balls in the water?”

            If your ball skips ten or more times across the water, you receive a free drop on the other side even if your ball doesn’t make it to dry land. Seems fare!

            If one whiffs at the ball or digs a trench behind it without making ball contact then a stroke can’t possibly apply. Just declare, “I didn’t hit it then try again!”

            It’s proper to declare a double boggy for that double par if money is not riding on the outcome, however, you will be provided assistance in tallying those strokes when wagers have been made. 

            Funny, your partners will tell you to pick up a five foot down hill putt, but you’ll have to hole that one footer if a buck is on the line.

            One never requests assistance to find your ball when you know it is hopelessly lost. Bend down; declare you found it as you strategically replace it with a new ball. Try to at least use the same name brand. Caution, if you find the first ball, even if shot is better, you must declare you just found an extra ball, not yours.

            It’s OK to hit a fellow partners ball (1) if neither of you have the ball initialed and his is the better of the two (2) he doesn’t know what brand you’re hitting (3) you’re in the trap and he’s not, and you arrive there first, make the switch quickly (4) You put his in your pocket and replace it with yours before partner arrives (5) he’s beating you shamelessly (6) you don’t like him or he’s pissed you off (7) if caught, you’re able to declare you’re intoxicated and thought you hit your own ball (8)  he’s intoxicated and will not know the difference (9) you’re both intoxicated (10) if it helps you brake a 100.

            Remember, it’s ok to trash talk and bend the rules among friends providing the friends can take the razing and dish it back at you and you can take it. If you’re playing with serious golfers, you’re on your own. If you’re bad as me, you have no business playing with real golfers. They really don’t appreciate our natural ability. It is so sad to be so misunderstood. See you in the rough! Bring your foot wedge!