Crime Scene Investigation

One of the men’s urinals at work was cordoned off with red “Do Not Enter’ Tape this morning.  I glanced down immediately to make sure there was no chalked silhouette on the floor of a man holding his junk.  Could someone have been murdered in mid-piss? If so, what had been the motive? Criminals are not known for their intelligence in many situations. You hear that dumb crook news all the time over the airwaves.  A curse, the writer in me began visualizing a scenario…

Detective Moe Monday, Joe Friday’s cousin, notepad in hand, asked, “And you found the body, John?”

John nodded. ”I did, but not in the John, on the floor in front of the pisser.”

“Did you touch anything?”

“Felt for a pulse but I was wearing my rubber gloves.”

“So if there are any prints, they won’t be yours, right? Do you always wear rubber gloves?”

“What are you getting at, Detective? Am I a suspect? Should I contact legal counsel?”

“I don’t know John; do you have something to hide? You were the one wearing he rubber gloves. What’s that you’re holding?”

“A plunger, I was contacted about a blockage here.”

“Looks like it could be dangerous. Did you use it? Did you recognize the caller?”

“No I didn’t”

“You didn’t use it as a weapon or you didn’t recognize the caller?”

“I really should call a lawyer, shouldn’t I? Aren’t you supposed to read me my rights?”

“Right…do you know the victim?”

“I’ve seen him in here a time or two; not that I was glancing over the partition or anything like that. I mean…sometimes you just look without really thinking. It’s like you tend to look at a woman’s boobs before you look at her yes.  What are you scribbling in your notepad, Detective?”

“Just taking your statement as given…do you suffer from any envious infatuations, John?”

“All hype…I mean...NO…I’m comfortable with who I am!”

“Do you know the identity of the deceased?”

John gulped, teetering on a bout of hyperventilation. “Yes…name’s Derrick. We work out at the same gym. I mean…I don’t know him personally.” 

“So you have seen him at this gym?”

“I wasn’t looking, not intentionally…the showers are for gym members…just a mere coincidence we were showering at the same time and it was steamy at the time, real foggy I’m telling you. I really couldn’t see that much. I should call a lawyer.”

“How long have you known the deceased, John?”

“I don’t really know him, I’m telling you. I’ve just seen him a few times. I don’t mean that the way it sounds. I’m happily married.”

”How am I supposed to think it sounds, John?”

“I’m just a custodian. I can’t help seeing what I see while cleaning the bathrooms. Hey, I reported finding him, didn’t I? That should count for something.”

“Are we keeping count now, John? Did you have a score to square? Do you clean the showers at the gym?”

“No, I just shower there.”

“Is there something wrong with your home shower?”

“I didn’t do it. I’m telling you the truth.”

“Just a moment ago you said you did. Which is it?”

“Which is what?”

“Did you or did you not shower at the gym with Derrick?”

“I did. No I didn’t. I mean I did shower but I didn’t actually shower with him. We were just in the shower at the same time.”

“Mere coincidence, John?”

Sweating profusely now, John continued his fumbling downward spiral. “I’m innocent, I tell you. Looking doesn’t make me a murderer. It’s human nature sometimes. It doesn’t mean a thing. Talk to my wife. We’ve been married for almost twenty seven years. We have four kids, one boy and three girls.”

“Did Derrick and your wife know one another, John?”

“What has that got to do with me and Derrick?”

“Did your wife know about you and Derrick and the shower incidences?

“No…I mean…there were no incidences…just us in the shower.”

“Are you sure about that, John?”

“Sure about my wife?”

“Sure about the shower…John…when was the last time you saw Derrick in the shower?”

"It was…wait a minute…I am contacting a lawyer. I don’t like where this is going.”

“And just where is it going, John?”

“Detective Monday, we’re done here,” said Quincy, the coroner, nodding and smiling at John. 

“It’s not what you think,” whined John.

“What are we suppose to think,” asked Detective Moe Monday.

“Best guess, the man had a heart attack, but I’ll know more after the autopsy. Take care, Moe.”

“Thank you Quincy. John, I’ll contact you if I have any more questions,” winked Detective Monday.

Well…it could have gone down like this or maybe it was just a busted urinal…