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Cold Beer!!!

Adult beverages and golf seem to go hand in hand, especially for the Whomping adults. I must admit, in my younger days I would partake of a couple or six cold ones during a round. I somehow convinced myself that I required a couple of beers to settle me down so I’d play better. The scorecard didn’t indicate that this strategy worked very well. Finally I realized that it did nothing to improve my striking ability nor reduced my scores so I seldom drink anything stronger than a Gatorade now. Older and wiser I suppose.

             I have discovered that the price of admission equals the entertainment value because many of my Whomper buddies do indulge themselves. This can make for an interesting round, at least for me. Their creed, it is beer-thirty somewhere rings true because they can pop a top at 7:30 AM as easily as they can reach for a cold one in the PM venue. They put a new spin on designated drivers.

            Most courses now prohibit personal coolers. Not to worry, most golf bags come with a built in cooler compartment. Technology will overcome the challenges; sort of like radar and radar detectors. The system is destined to be beaten! Everyone profits. Golf = adult beverages = more beer sales = golfers making bad shots = purchasing more golf balls = more beer purchases = more rounds of golf = more beer, you get the picture!

            I have a cousin, aka Cuz, who can be heard yelling “Cold Beer” as he maneuvers down the fairways. Cuz can chugalug with the best of them. Does it impact his game better or worse? Who can say? He’s having a good time and that’s important to him. It doesn’t impact my play so that’s important to me.

            Adult beverages, as One of our Whomper buddies transforms into Mike Tyson  and tries to pick fights, instigate conflicts with other foursomes, especially if they’re ahead and playing too slowly or its tournament play and he thinks the other team may be cheating. This can be most embarrassing but does add entertainment value.

            I witnessed one of my buds go Tin Cup down in the Dominican Republic after too many El President Beers. He sliced his first tee shot on number eighteen across the resort entrance drive. Determination instilled by not so clear thinking, he teed up at least six or seven more balls slicing all but one into the exotic landscape. Mission accomplished when one finally stayed in the fairway.

He retired to the resort’s pool for the remainder of the afternoon. I think the water stabilized his stumbling as he made frequent visits to the swim-up bar.  Drinks were included in the all inclusive stay so should a say more? Funny, I drank bottled water during the round and ended up being the one who got deathly sick that night; too much sun and not enough adult beverages!

            Why does cold beer seem to convince people they can all of a sudden sing? A couple of my Whomper buddies after consumption of a beer or five will begin singing very strange tunes, “In heaven there ain’t no beer…”  One sings about coal miners doing weird stuff. Their antics seem sort of red-neckish but both are actually transplanted Yankees. Go figure. It can drive one to drink just to cope with the attempted tunes.

            Wagering and beer, know that you have at least a chance of winning before you throw down the bet. One of our little green horn Whompers of let’s just say typical three digit range scoring, tied another bud on the first nine. To put it in perspective, bud number two wasn’t having his best front nine and had shot a fifty. Green horn matching that fifty felt a little frisky apparently. Cockiness is not very pretty unless you can back it up. He wagered he’d kick our buddy’s rear end on the back nine for a case of beer. How’d that go you ask? Not so good!  Green horn didn’t realize that beer was a motivator and lost the back nine by ten strokes. Beer consumption may or may not have played a factor in the original wager.

            Never let a beer drinker hold the closest to the pin pot when chipping in a buck per person. This mistake was made when the league recruited one of our female competitors to hold the money for the 5 foursome’s competing. Running out of beer half way through the round, she used the kitty money to further the beverage girl’s career.  Remember, the beverage girl is not cheap. Award time arrived after the last group completed the round and only thee bucks remained of the twenty dollar prize. She smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

            I’m been tossed from cart before with cooler in tow when my not so designated driver made a radical left maneuver. I’ve witnessed one Whomper whiff so many consecutive times at a ball that he resembled a windmill. He responded by falling on his duff and erupting into a contagious spurt of laughter.

 I too have contributed to my share of ungentlemanly like behavior on the links but what happens on the course, stays on the course especially when I’m the culprit. Since none of my Whomper buddies are writers and you don’t know their names, guess these will remain my little secret. COLD BEER…..